My Guilty Pleasure

The time has come for me to address my biggest guilty pleasure – professional wrestling. Let me stop you right there – your first statement is going to be “you know it’s fake, right?” First and foremost, the word to use is “scripted”. The winner is predetermined, but the action is anything but fake. Just ask the multiple wrestlers who have had neck fusion surgery from all of the wear and tear (i.e. Edge). I’ll leave it to one of my favorite Twitter follows, Julie DiCaro, for the best explanation yet about professional wrestling:

We know wrestling is fake. So are movies. So are TV shows. It's entertainment. Let's not judge what fake things people like to watch.
— Julie DiCaro (@JulieDiCaro) January 26, 2015

In my youth I stumbled across the WWF (at the time) on a Saturday morning and watched as the All-American boys, Barry Windham and Mike Rotunda wrestled the evil duo of a Russian, Nikolai Volkov and an Iranian, The Iron Shiek. I was fascinated. It just so happened that it was the match where the Americans took the Tag Team Titles from the villains. My parents weren’t thrilled that I was watching wrestling so I couldn’t keep up with it as I wanted to, so I needed sources. My source told me that, not long after that match, the Russian/Iranian duo won the Tag belts back and Windham and Rotunda broke up. Bummer. Fast forward a few years and I am a freshman in college. One of my buddies from church happens to be a wrestling fan, so we begin to talk about it and my interest in rekindled. This was in 1987 – the year of Wrestlemania III. As my curiosity towards wrestling increased, the (in my opinion) greatest wrestling card of all-time took place in Detroit, Michigan. And the match that hooked me for life was the most epic match I have ever seen – the battle between Randy “Macho Man” Savage and Ricky Steamboat for the Intercontinental Title.

I’ve been a fan for life ever since. And I never leaned towards one particular company either. I would watch WCW on Turner on Saturdays, the WWF on Saturdays and Mondays, didn’t matter. And then this rogue company on the East Coast started showing up on local cable networks we had on DirecTV called ECW. I was blown away by the storytelling and the violence. I’m not a violent person and I don’t particularly care for constant “hardcore” wrestling, but at the time it was innovative and fresh. Well, as the story goes, the Monday Night Wars happened and WWE won out and is currently the main wrestling promotion (I’m not into TNA at all, can’t tell you why).

So there you have it; my back story on my affection for professional wrestling. Now on to more important details…

If you follow wrestling at all, the pinnacle of the sport is WrestleMania. It takes place in the first week of April, most often on the Sunday between Final Four days. The last two months leading up to WrestleMania write the stories that will play out in the penultimate event. This is our current position. It’s been written, ad nauseam, about the disaster that was the Royal Rumble. I won’t bore you with details other than this (in case you’re not up to speed on your pro wrestling storylines) – this winner of the Royal Rumble faces the champion in a title match at WrestleMania. This year, Roman Reigns, a former member of the faction The Shield, won the Rumble and was set to face Brock Lesnar at WM. But a funny thing happened on the way to San Jose…the fans revolted….again! It happened last year as the “chosen one”, Dave Batista, was roundly booed after he won the Royal Rumble because the fans wanted upstart Daniel Bryan to win the RR and headline WM. The WWE listened and changed storylines leading up to WM building Bryan’s ascent, leading to him defeating HHH, Randy Orton and Batista to win the World Heavyweight Title. Lessons learned, right? Wrong. The WWE botched it again by “force feeding” Reigns down the fans throats as the new “face of the company”. And the fans didn’t like it. It’s been covered very eloquently by my favorite wrestling writer, Grantland.com’s David Shoemaker here and by other writers as well.

Here’s where I come in. I will now write the stories for the upcoming WWE PPV, Fastlane (which by the way, goes to show you how out of touch they can be – doesn’t this sound like a DisneyFX cartoon for 8-10 year olds?), as well as WrestleMania.

Reigns/Bryan/Lesnar

Where do we currently stand? In the uproar after the Rumble the WWE quickly changed course and created some interesting plot twists. In an episode of RAW after the RR Seth Rollins wrestled Daniel Bryan, with the winner receiving a match with Reigns at Fastlane. The winner of the match at Fastlane then faces Lesnar at WM. Obviously you’ve picked up from my header that Daniel Bryan won the match at RAW and now faces Reigns at Fastlane. Reigns has been a bit edgier lately, which has helped him, but I think the fans still want Bryan at WM.

Here’s my idea. What is the one thing Reigns lacks? Mic skills. What wrestler is leaving the promotion after WM? Brock Lesnar. Who is an “advocate” or mouthpiece for Lesnar that will be out of work after WM? Paul Heyman. See where I’m going here? If the fans are going to boo you, like they did to Rocky Maivia, then give them what they want. Let the bloodlines merge. At Fastlane, Heyman shows up during the Bryan/Reigns match at ringside. He will “taunt” Reigns, continuing his spiel from the night after the Rumble to Reigns, telling him not to let his family down. In the end, Reigns goes after Heyman, gets counted out and catches him in the ring. At which point, the celebrating Daniel Bryan gets a beat down from Reigns and Heyman with Roman becoming the new “Paul Heyman guy”.

The next night on RAW Heyman gets on the mic and proceeds to wax poetic about how ignorant the fans are and that they have no idea what they want. Break down the veil of kayfabe and acknowledge that Lesnar is leaving after WM and that he picked out Reigns as the one to carry his torch when he leaves. Heyman then continues to eschew the fact that once Lesnar beats Bryan at WrestleMania, he will lie down and let Reigns pin him to become champion, a la Million Dollar Man and Andre the Giant. Reigns will then get on the mic and say it’s always been about the title and this was the best way not to get screwed and it’s “about what’s best for….(dramatic pause) me (him).” Mic drop. End of show.

Fast forward to WrestleMania…Daniel Bryan now has the unenviable task of defeating the beast Brock Lesnar. The match goes as most would imagine, very similar to Lesnar beat down of Cena at the last showdown. Complete domination by Lesnar over Bryan. Reigns comes down to ringside during the match, waiting for his moment to get his hands on the belt. The Authority comes down to make sure Reigns doesn’t get involved. They obviously don’t want Bryan to win but don’t want Lesnar laying down for Reigns either. As the match reaches its zenith, tempers flare and the Authority and Reigns get into a scrum. Heyman comes to help and Lesnar is distracted. This allows Daniel Bryan to catch Brock by surprise and beat him for the title. Heyman, Lesnar and Reigns are livid and start to cause issues with the “New” Authority (more on this later) and others. Hiding in the crowd, however, is Seth Rollins with the briefcase. He sneaks into the ring while Bryan is celebrating and clobbers him with the briefcase, which no one sees, and then cashes in his MITB shot. He pins Bryan to become champ. After he wins and his arm is raised with the belt, Reigns come streaking in from the outside and spears Rollins to end the show.

And thus begins a feud between Rollins and Reigns.

Rollins

Who does Rollins fight after losing to Bryan on RAW for the chance to wrestle Reigns at Fastlane? No, not Randy Orton. How about Dolph Ziggler? Think about the match the two of them would have at WM…shades of Savage/Steamboat float in my head. Make it more interesting by putting the Money in the Bank briefcase up for grabs. How do you set it up? We’ve had the Authority mess with Ziggler, amongst others, in recent weeks. Use that storyline to setup the match and then let the two go at it. Rollins wins, but you need to set Ziggler up for a push to main event status.

At the same time, at Fastlane, Rollins needs to call out J&J Security, Kane and the Big Show and lecture them about the perils of failure. Let them know that he’s held the briefcase for an extended period of time but is not getting any help from them to reach his goal of being World Champion. Therefore, he has decided that they are all fired as members of The Authority. He then sends out a directive to all the superstars in the back that if they want to be on the fast track (or Fastlane, if you will) to the top then they can align themselves with Rollins.

Cena/Rusev

It appears as though the WWE is trying to create old Hulk Hogan 2.0 with Cena by pitting him against the evil Rusev. BOR-ING!!! What good does it do for Cena to become the US Champ? Absolutely nothing. First, WWE needs to change the US Championship to the TV Title and have it defended every week on television. Second, get Cena and Rusev out of that picture – they are main event players. Obviously, the WWE is setting up a rematch for WrestleMania, so the outcome at Fastlane looks like it will be Rusev by DQ or interference.

Personally, I believe Cena is the guy to make so many of the young potential stars in the WWE. It was a role played very well by Terry Funk in his later years. There needs to be someone to bridge the gap between older starts (i.e. Big Show, Kane, etc…) to the new generation of superstars. Cena is that guy. The only problem is, I believe he needs to embrace his heel side to do it right. I grasp that he is a huge ambassador for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. But today’s fans don’t recognize a true babyface and a true heel anymore. It’s blurred lines. When Hogan turned he was pure heel and it was pure magic. His heat was white hot and it set the industry on its ear. Cena has the stroke to make the same waves. Turn him at WrestleMania – make the match with Rusev his turning point. Then post-WM have him put over younger guys like Barrett, Rollins, Ziggler, Ambrose, Reigns….even Zayn, Owens and Balor.

Wyatt’s

The program is set for Bray Wyatt to take on the Undertaker. I love this potential matchup but the major issue is that Taker goes away after WrestleMania and what’s left for Wyatt to do? Here’s what I would suggest – bring back “the family”. Only it’s not Harper and Rowan. It’s Bo Dallas, Curtis Axel and Cody Rhodes. All 2^nd/3^rd generation wrestlers who are sick of what’s happening in wrestling today and have decided to join the Wyatt Family to save the world. They can all run in at the end of the WrestleMania match with Taker to help beat him down after he beats Bray. Bray will start to cut promos about the new family right before and after Fastlane in his buildup with Taker.

I have LOTS of other ideas as well, but I don’t want to bore you as I’m almost at 2,000 words now. I’ll keep posting my WWE thoughts as time goes on….but I’m interested to know what you think. Comment or tweet me @illini3sc.